July
5
Very
quiet day, as expected. When I got back from feeding this morning,
he was up, apparently Hamish had been barking while I was gone. He
didn't stay up though and I may not see him for quite a while. But
that's ok, we are both dealing with an emotional hangover, and he
with a real one, lol, so a quiet day is appreciated.
I
talked to Starry again, let her read what I have written here. She
is very interested in our journey and as I have said before, I
appreciate her input and comments. We talked for quite a while, and
she said she was captivated by what I'm writing. She called it a
true slice of life, about relationships and how they develop and are
nurtured. I was a little nervous, because she is the first one to
read this and because it is so personal and because it is also filled
with small details, I didn't know if she would be bored. She said
she wasn't at all. Of course, she knows us both so that may account
for her interest. She said it gave her such insight into both of us
and into the scope of Michael's demons. She asked if I had written
down a treatment plan with benchmarks and rewards. I told her no, I
hadn't and that really isn't something I feel comfortable doing. At
least not right now. Keeping this journal is my way of measuring
progress, and frankly, since I am flying by the seat of my pants
here, I have to constantly make course adjustments based on new
insights I get into Michael. Starry said that it is incredible the
progress I have made in such a short time and that made me feel good.
After I sent it to her I reread the whole thing myself and relived
many of the episodes I wrote about. I was able to call up the
emotions I felt at the time and I, too, was pleased at seeing how far
we have come. But I certainly can't rest on my laurels, we are just
an inch into a many mile journey. But I can already see that, as
expected, this is turning into perhaps the most significant journey
of my life. Certainly it is the first journey I have put huge
amounts of thought into and actually have a plan for. Everything
else in my life has been kind of a “go with the flow” response
from me. I don't know whether to attribute this to age and
experience or something else. Just don't know
July
6
Another
quiet day, Michael has days and nights mixed up. Went to bed at
7am, got up about 2pm. Spent a lot of time with Mary. We had a nice
dinner last night, and I got a hug after dinner. That is almost the
extent of the time I have spent with him in the past couple of days.
These are also non drinking days, He seems ok, but still more quiet
and withdrawn than I would like to see. Patience, Linda.
July
7
Darla
the housekeeper came today and I had already asked Michael if he
wanted to go with me to Costco while she was here, he said yes, so I
proceeded with that in mind. He did, but it was like we were back on
the trip, he was silent and sullen. He had not had anything to drink
for the past couple of days, and he had killed another black widow
spider during the night, this one in the house, and it freaked him
out again and he couldn't sleep. But after we got to Costco I
started to see him open up a little. In the first place he kept
getting after me because I was doing things he thought he should do.
Pick things up, carry things, reach things, that sort. He was
actually teasing me. It was nice, then we decided to go out for
lunch at BJ's, which we both like. After lunch he started talking a
blue streak again. We had to go to Walmart and he was ok with that,
and we were laughing and giggling the whole time. It continued on
the trip home, then when we got home I gave him the remainder of the
bottle of run and he started making himself small drinks. We talked,
went over some of the same stuff we always do, but in doing so, it
helps us (me) internalize it. His insistence that he knows how hard
it is for me when he can't or won't talk to me for a couple of days,
but because I leave him alone and don't bug him, when he is able to,
he spends more time with me and we talk about many important things.
He was telling me that he can talk to Mary because they have some of
the same issues. And it is more lighthearted. With me there is more
substance to our discussions. Yes, I must have patience, and
understand that he has these periods when he can't seem to talk to
me, but that he is aware of it, feels badly about it, though I don't
want him to, and knows that if he and I just give him another day, it
will be better. I will get used to it. I told him during the time
he doesn't talk to me, I am confronting my own demons and trying to
lay them to rest. Right now he decided not to drink and to play a
little and see if he wants more drink later. Gives me a chance to do
a little writing, before I start playing. Overall, things are going
well, just not as I expected, but my expectations were not realistic
in the first place. This is reality, and when it's good it is very
good. When it's not good, I'll just have to deal, and I can.
Later
same evening
We
did some more drinking and talking. Actually, Michael didn't drink
much, stopped at a good spot, and wants none tomorrow, just save it
for Thursday raid. We talked for a couple of hours, a lot of the
same, and some new stuff. Or rather new insights into old stuff. We
talked about Mary, and how he knew he had been talking to her more
than to me, and he told her about that. So tonight, she went offline
to give us time to talk. Nice :D. We touched again on how he
appreciates me giving him space. We talked about this book. He
doesn't want to read it for a long time, but likes the idea of our
talks being material for the book. I told him there were things that
would embarrass both of us in the book, and he was fine with that.
Agreed it probably lent authenticity. We laughed a lot, hugged a
lot, and discussed how far we have come in just two short weeks. He
wondered where we would be in two more weeks. I told him I am more
interested in where we will be in two years. A lot of time we just
go over the same thing, the uniqueness of our relationship, the
harem, Mary, how comfortable I have made him feel, but that
repetition reinforces the decisions we are making and our future
together, for however long that may be.
Even
later, same evening
It
is 3 am but I wanted to write this while it was on my mind. I went
to bed about 10: 30 and straight to sleep, but as has been happening
lately, was awakened a couple of hours later. I heard Michael go
outside and I decided to join him. He was drinking my bourbon
because I had forgotten to take it with me when I went to bed. So he
drank and we talked and we finally got to some new content. We
started talking about medication. He knew I was thinking about it at
some point, but he doesn't want to take any. More than that, he gave
me his reasons.
His
depression and anxiety run on both sides of his family. He says
everyone in his family is on medication and can't function without it
. I shared that I feel the same way, that I am not the person I want
to be without my antidepressant. But he doesn't feel that he wants
to just give into a pill. He said he has been close to beating this
before, but hasn't been able to sustain it. He is brought down by
guilt and people around him. He says it's like he falls off a cliff
and everyone just keeps kicking him until he is all the way down,
then he has to climb back up the cliff, one hand at a time, and start
over again. But he feels he can do it. He says medication never
works on him like it is supposed to. Exercise, a place where he is
comfortable, no one guilting him, someone who cares for him, these
are the things he needs to climb out of the hole and then sustain it.
He feels he has that here, with me. He tells me he feels better now
than he has in a very long time. His head is clearing, the mist is
lifting. I am still not convinced he can sustain a recovery all on
his own, but it is what he wants to do and I will support him while
we see if he can. He recognizes that both of us had some unrealistic
ideas about how this would go and neither one of us realized how hard
it was going to be. I admitted to him that I have been fighting my
own demons at the same time I am trying to help him. He acknowledged
that he has been disappointed in himself somewhat, but that he is now
not beating himself up over it. He knows he is a heavy drinker and
that he needs it right now, but he is also planning and often
succeeding in reducing the amount.
I
told him I was hungry and he decided to make me a grilled cheese
sandwich. While he was making it he asked me to get the rum so he
wasn't drinking my bourbon. I did, and brought down the bottle, but
I said to him “I am concerned that if you keep drinking this, that
you will have another 3 day hangover.” It stopped him in his
tracks. He said I was right, that he was going to finish the drink
he had and then go to bed. He said originally he was only going to
have one drink then go to bed, but I came down to talk, and talk and
drink go hand in hand, but he was very glad I said something to him.
It was the first time I injected a comment about the amount he is
drinking. I did it gently, and followed it up with the fact that he
is a grown man and must make his own decisions. I will never nag
him and I will stay with him if he decides he wants to continue to
drink. But tonight, at least, he decided to stop. He fixed my
sandwich and I shared it with him,. He again thanked me for saying
something to him and told me that any time I think he is drinking too
much I needed to let him know. He knows he is not good at monitoring
his consumption, and I see that as one of the ways I can help him.
The desire to quit or slow way down is firmly there, but the ability
to see when it is enough is underdeveloped at this time.
Again,
I got the big hugs I love and the “I love you, damnit” that
accompanies them. Then he went to his room and I came upstairs. I
was in my bathroom and I heard him come up and put the bottles on my
craft table. He doesn't want them near him. He doesn't want to
drink tomorrow (or later today as the case may be). He wants to be
able to have some sips on Thursday right before raid, not earlier in
the day. He says that it is ironic that he came from a place where
drink and cigarettes were readily available to a place where drink
and cigarettes are easily available, but the difference is huge.
There he felt trapped, here he feels free. He feels good now and
revels in that feeling of clarity. I still don't know what I'm
doing and going primarily on instinct, but so far, at any rate, it
seems to be working.