Irrational Fears

May 24

Been fairly quiet. Michael and I haven't talked for very long, he has been busy with his harem and his cousin. I talked with Scott about publishing and he gave me some interesting ideas about publishing this as a blog, or through an existing blog. Don't know which would be better, a gamer blog or a depression blog. There are millions of them out there. And speaking of depression blogs, I found one Michael might be interested in reading. Written by a man very similar to himself, depression, ADHD, anxiety and not able to work apparently. He is a good writer and the blog gets very high marks. I'll tell him about it and he can decide.

I also talked to my landlady Pat because she is an author. She is willing to help me with more technical details. She said, for instance, all writing should be done as an end in itself, not with an eye to publication. That said, she feels the project, as I presented it to her sounds very interesting and felt some of the self-help blogs would be a good venue to start with. She and her husband are going on vacation right about the time Michael and I get home, so when they get back some time in July I should have a lot more written for her perusal. I told her that this is a very personal piece of work for me and she said that was good, the personal, humanistic point of view is very popular. She likes the journaling format and I told her it really helps me to clarify my ideas and motivations. She, too, said Michael needs to do the same.

I have been talking to Pol in game today. She is an old friend from my Silentiume days, and was the GM of that guild, and now a member of mine. She is also a member of Michael's harem. (Actually that should probably be Michael's Harem, like a club) She and her family are going to Minnesota right about the same time we are leaving there. After some discussion we decided we are going to try to meet up in Joplin, MO. That is if Michael can handle her 2 kids, husband and maybe sister in addition to herself. I told her I would have to check with him, but I figured he would walk through fire to meet another of his harem, lol.

In looking at the dates, it seems I will have to either start my trip a day later than I planned, or stay a day longer in Minnesota with the two Davids and Michael. I don't want to impose so I will leave that up to Michael. He did say I should do a little sight seeing while I'm there. He said David is very good at that, but he may be working during the week. We'll see. Either way it will mean some hard driving to get home. For the trip there I am tentatively planning to stay the first night in Durango, CO, and the second in North Platte NE, and each leg of that trip is right about or just under 700 miles. The Anza/Durango leg is the longest. On the way back we will stay in Joplin, then Albuquerque, NM, and that last leg to Anza will be a long one. Since Michael can't drive, it is all on me, but his job will be to entertain me, lol. No falling asleep for him. That will kill us both.

IMay 25

Michael does want to see Pol, I knew he would. I tried to get him to tell me his thoughts about this, and the fact that it will probably take us an extra day to get home, but all he would say was for me to make it easy on myself. I told him I don't make decisions like this without consulting the people involved, and he said he appreciated that, but also that he is adaptable and I am doing him a big favor just by coming to get him. I want to see Pol as much as he does, so hopefully we can make it work. The only sticking point is my pre op appointment. It will need to be moved forward at least a day. Because Pol doesn't leave Texas until the 20^th, and we had planned to leave Minnesota on the 19^th, I am delaying our leaving Minnesota for one day and we will meet in Kansas City, KS. That is only 450 miles from Minnesota, so the remaining trip will be broken up into 3 parts instead of two. I don't think I can do 800 miles in a day. So we are going to stay in Kansas City, then Amarillo TX, then Flagstaff, AZ, then home. Means an extra night on the road, but I can cover that. That is tentative until I can get a hold of the doctor's office and see if we can change the appointment. Also, means 3 days in Minnesota instead of 2.

So I finally got a chance to talk to David, Michael's cousin he lives with, today. I wanted to find out if he was ok with this, and if Michael had told him I would like to stay there, and if he was ok with that. I have to say it was a bit of an awkward conversation, probably for both of us. He is worried Michael will be a burden to me because he has no income. I am aware of this, but I am going to take steps to do something about that as soon as I can. He also said he has told Michael in the past that his friends are always welcome, though he did say Michael has had very few friends. And he said he actually gave Michael's brother a key to the house. So, I am welcome to stay as long as I like. I will be staying in Michael's room, he wants me to have his bed and he will sleep on the floor, something he does fairly frequently, I understand, anyway. I asked David if Michael had told David's father and he said “Yes, sorta, in a half-assed way.” but didn't elaborate. I'll ask Michael. Apparently his father has some concerns, but they seem to deal more with familiarity and being used to having him around. I gave David my phone number and told him if he or his father needed or wanted to discuss this, please to call.

Then we started talking about my plans for Michael, including therapy and other assistance. He agreed that he felt it would be very good for him and said he had suggested things like that to him before. Gone so far as to give him the information, but it always got “lost.” Michael wants this, but he has told me quite candidly that he can't do it alone. He needs someone to go to these places with him, help him with the paperwork, basically hold his hand. If he didn't need that he probably wouldn't need help at all. It is part of what people don't understand about him. Things we take for granted are virtually impossible for him. Remember the bank story....

Finally David mentioned that he was worried about Michael's father. I'm not sure why, maybe I can find out more when I'm there. But I do know Michael and his father don't get along and Michael has no intention of telling him that he is moving. He says he will find out anyway, but I don't think he wants to face him with it. David said that with Michael out of the state, his father won't be able to “control” him, and I think he means see him or try to mend the relationship. At least I hope that's what he meant.

David has a huge heart and cares for Michael. Michael has been living there for about 4.5 years or so. He used to pay rent which he said helped the two Davids out because at that time they were in danger of losing their house. But about a year and a half ago he quit his job and hasn't been able to work since. But I think David feels ok with him coming to CA. Hopefully he realizes I can help Michael when others haven't been able to. At least I hope so.

Michael and I also had a very intense discussion this afternoon. He was playing with his friend Dotty, who is a sweety, and he invited me into Skype too. He was, of course drunk, and he said he realizes that he won't be drinking when he gets to CA so he is going to take advantage of every opportunity now. But that isn't what we discussed. Dotty said that it is obvious how close we are by the way we both talk about each other. Michael talks about me all the time to the rest of his harem. He was in a mushy mood and I was feeling a little delicate and therefore emotional myself. He started talking about how we had met, to Dotty, and how I was coming to Minnesota to get him. Then Dotty excused herself for a minute and Michael started talking about my surgery. He is scared to death something will happen and it will go bad. I have tried to reassure him that the heart issue is under control, but he pushed me and asked me if I was totally comfortable with it. I admitted I worried, not about dying, but about not waking up. Then Dotty came back and he started talking about how much he cared for me, and how he wouldn't want to live if something happened to me. Of course that got me started because of my husband's suicide, and I didn't think I could take hearing him talk that way. I told him how much I cared for him, how nothing is going to happen, that he will be there all the time, and again how much I cared. Then I realized Dotty was still there, and I apologized for getting so intense. She said we almost made her cry, that the feelings between us are so apparent and so real. She told me later that she envies my relationship with Michael, that she feels it is rare and even though her husband is her best friend, she sort of chalked it up to his being her husband. She said she has never had a friendship like ours with anyone. I've said it before, I think what we have is very special.

[I want to add a disclaimer here, for the record. I have deliberately toned down this last paragraph. Some things are so personal and are felt so deeply that I'm just not comfortable sharing them with anyone but Michael. I know many people will feel that it is impossible for us to have such deep feelings for someone we have never met in person. I can't convince them of the reality of our feelings, so I won't try. But for those of you who know such things are possible, I apologize for the white wash.]

[And for those who may be interested in the story of my husband, John was a Marine Corp officer during Vietnam. He served 4 tours of duty and was a Silver Star recipient. He left the Marine Corp after Vietnam and seemed to be coping well, but when the war went bad he could no longer live with what he had seen and done there. I went to the store one day and when I came home I found him dead. He had shot himself. I was 5 months pregnant with Anne Marie. This was 8 years before PTSD was recognized as a mental condition. Since that war ended, there have been more suicides from Vietnam alone than there were people killed in that war. I used to be asked all the time if I had gotten a rubbing from The Wall. I had to reply that he wasn't on The Wall. We have learned a lot from that debacle. The military is now treated with the respect they deserve and not as the scapegoats they were after Vietnam. Of that I am happy, but my husband's suicide has made me very sensitive to mental illness generally and suicidal behavior specifically. I recently heard of a movement, the semi-colon tattoo movement, whose aim is to desigmatize mental illness. The idea is that when writing, a semi-colon can be used to signify a pause in a sentence where the author could easily have used a period. Life is the sentence that someone decided to not to end, and the semi-colon is the symbol of life continuing when it could easily have been ended too soon. As soon as I could after my surgery I got that tattoo on my wrist. Not just for John, or Michael, but for all the others I love who suffer from depression, myself included.]