Hermitting and Fapping

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Our Honeymoon Time, and Family Issues

June 27

Surgery canceled. Infection still present in culture, clear in urine. Very disappointing, but not unexpected. Before I found out Lea called and said her painters were back and the house was torn up, so she made reservations for us at local Comfort Inn. Called her and let her know it was canceled. I think she may not be comfortable with Michael staying there, so before the next surgery date, I will have to come up with another plan on getting up to Irvine.

Anne Marie came over with the girls in the afternoon. That was good fun, Michael had had just enough to drink to be able to be silly with them, and they loved him. He fell in love with them too. But while they were here, Anne Marie said both Lea and Paula had called her and were upset about this arrangement. That Ben and Andrea had called too. I don't know whether to totally believe her or not, frankly, but if it is true, it pisses me off. I am 68 years old and I know what I am doing. I realize they love me and are worried, but they need to have more confidence that I am an adult and not stupid. Apparently Jarrod is mad at me too, though not for that. I didn't tell him about the issue with my eyes so he apparently thinks I was keeping it from him deliberately. I know he loves me too, but I wasn't keeping it from him, just hadn't had a chance to talk to him about it, and frankly, figured Anne Marie would fill him in.. It isn't comfortable for me to think my entire family is upset with me, but not much I can do about it or willing to do about it. It is their problem and they will need to deal with it.

Because of the cancellation of the surgery Michael and I did some drinking last night again, and had another long talk session. This one was more interesting on a lot of levels as it dealt with a lot more than just how he feels about his harem.

The biggest thing that came out of it was his desire for me to understand him, good and bad. He emphasized that on several occasions. He spent a long time telling me about “the monster within” as he puts it. I will try to explain: Apparently Michael and his sibs all have had anger issues and are no stranger to violence. Michael himself says he has worked through those anger and violence issues, but that while he never seeks violence, when/if it presents itself, he embraces it, that it energizes him and he loves it. He calls it a product of his “Nordic blood.” He says that he would never use violence generally, as there are many other ways of dealing with a situation, but if I was ever threatened, or Hamish or the girls, he would not hesitate to use violence to protect us. He told me repeatedly how much I meant to him and he will let nothing happen to me. The sentiment is very sweet and very loving and I accept it for what it is, though he and I both hope it never comes to his demonstrating that.

He also talked in more detail about his parents. He has a serious love/hate relationship with his father who apparently has drug and alcohol abuse issues and has had most of Michael's life. He has mentioned his father before, but this time was more indepth. I think Michael would like to have a relationship with him, he says he loves him, but then he calls him a cunt and a few other bad names. As to his mother, he had nothing to say bad about her, except that she is covered in tattoos and looks like trailer trash. I suspect that in the future, more will come out about them both.

Michael loves (so far anyway) living with me. He loves the house and the property. I don't think he has ever lived in this kind of place before, and in a quasi-family situation. When we were in Minnesota, David called his house a bachelor pad, and in many ways it was. Each one of the men had their own domain and they didn't associate all that much. It was a nice house, clean, but not well decorated. My house is small, but lovely and very cozy. Michael helps me in the kitchen, cleans up after himself, we sit together in the breakfast room to eat and we plan meals together. An altogether different experience from what he is used to. He has never lived with a woman before, except his mother and sisters and that was a long time ago. This is a generalization, but I suspect when men live together as room mates they do much as Michael and the two Davids' did. But we talk and enjoy each other and spend hours together. It is very interesting to me because, at this point anyway, he would rather spend time talking with me than playing in game and talking with the harem. I don't expect it to be like this always, after he is settled in and we are used to being together, he will spend more time in game, but right now, it's nice. [Very true.]

After we came in from being outside, around midnight or so, he took me to his room to show me stuff. He wanted to share some of the music he loves with me. He was going through different kinds of music, worried that I was bored, which I wasn't, and said he had never shown this to anyone before. Oh, he had played music for people online, and sent them links, he did that with me, but to have someone sitting next to him, talking and listening with him, was a new and pleasant experience for him. He was extremely affectionate the entire evening which, as I have said before, I enjoy, but it was more spontaneous and relaxed. He also is much more accepting of affection from me, even asking for back rubs and scratches from time to time. He has told me he generally doesn't like to be touched, but he doesn't mind with me, that he trusts me and is comfortable with me touching him. I'm glad because I am a very touchy/feely person.

We ran out of booze during the night and I have no intention of buying any more. At least not that I will let him know about. He said he would like some for raid, and I guess I am going to make the drinks for him. One before raid, one during break, and one after raid. I will be able to control the proportions and maybe start reducing those a bit. He also won't be smoking as much as I won't let him smoke in the house and he is fine with that. He wants to switch to e- cigarettes, ones without nicotine. Initially more expensive than regular cigarettes, but much cheaper in the long run. And hopefully without the nasty side effects.

June 28

Quiet day, pretty much as expected. I slept in until abut 9:30, almost unheard of for me, and Michael got up around 11:30. He was sleepy but in a good mood. We fixed breakfast together, making some orange strawberry juice in the juicer that was very delicious. We ate breakfast, he helped clean up. Then we parted as I knew he needed a day to himself. I saw very little of him. I had to do laundry which is in his room so saw him briefly then. When my laundry was done he offered to carry it up stairs for me. Then he gave me a big hug. I fixed dinner later and we ate together as is becoming our habit. Conversation was free and not awkward. He has gotten a sunburn and some hives from all the time spent in the sun outside. He says it doesn't bother him, but he needs to be more careful. His skin is so pale it is almost translucent. I need to get him some sunscreen.

It was a no booze day and he got quieter as the day went on. But he wasn't cross or upset. The comfort is still there, even when he is quiet, and that's what I was looking for. He didn't want to talk to anyone, not even his harem. I left him pretty much alone, and will do so tomorrow if necessary and for however long it takes for him to feel sober and recovered. This is where the work begins and I must just be patient and confident in the fact that our caring for each other is mutual and real.

Cute note, I was doing a dungeon with Simon and said I had to go fix dinner. He said “It's hard being a housewife.” Smart ass. Lol. I finally got around to telling him about us a couple of days ago. He and Michael have had their issues in the past, but now that he isn't raid leader, I'm hopeful it will sort out. He said something about hearing about drunken penis touching. I laughed and said at no time had his penis touched me anywhere, then I suddenly remembered what he was talking about. (Ironically, I know the length and diameter of Michael's penis because he told me, lol.) That last raid night, before we left for CA, when Michael and I were so drunk, we were sitting on the floor together and I put my hand on his leg. He was only wearing skivvies and started making jokes about me feeling him up. Talk about hyperbole, but, as the saying goes, the crowd went wild. I don't think anyone in guild had ever heard me drunk before and they got a kick out of it. 

[Ah, the good ole days before things got hard.  We still have good days, but the innocence and "rose colored glasses" days are behind us now.  Now we are in the hard work phase of our unconventional relationship."  

Complications

June 24

Interesting day. Took Michael for a haircut and a shave. He got his hair in the style of Jared Leto. Looks fantastic on him. He is a very handsome man and now he looks like it. Hairstylist thought he was adorable and he said he enjoyed it. Then we went to lunch, grocery shopping and I had to do another urine test to see if the bacterial infection is gone. God I hope so, I don't want to postpone this surgery.

I did get a phone call from the preop nurse at the hospital and learned something very interesting. The Amlodipine that I thought was a blood thinner is really to stop angina. I think that is why I have been getting chest pains at night, because I went off it a week ago. I certainly hope so. Michael also told me that he really wishes he didn't have to go to the doctor with me tomorrow, that he needs a day alone. I told him that was fine, I'm able to go to the doctor by myself. He was very relieved. It seems that the last few days have been taking a big toll on him, no surprise there, and he is hanging together by a thread. He wants to save himself, so to speak, for the important things, like the surgery. I was a little disappointed, but also understand where he is right now. We have only been home one day. He said that he went on the longest car trip of his life, and he hates car trips, then was forced to be social, has had no alone time in days, and he really needs a few days to be hermity. I really do understand, and I don't mind since I need some alone time too. I can drive to Orange County and listen to my music which I didn't play at all while we were driving cross country. I am finding myself a bit (total understatement) stressed at the prospect of this surgery. Michael made me promise to be totally honest with the doctor, even if it means postponing the surgery.

Michael seems really happy here, so far, and he feels it will only get better. He saw a hummingbird today, the first he has ever seen. He also saw a lizard and was entranced by it. He has spent so little time outdoors that he has missed a lot. He loves this place.

Another thing, I refuse to let Michael smoke in the house, which he is fine with, so he has to go outside. He likes company then and I find we are doing a lot of talking. Tonight we discussed our relationship and where it is different from and the same as his with his harem. I made the mistake of calling them playmates which he didn't like, but didn't get mad at. Wanted to make a point of the fact that they are friends, not just playmates. We talked about how our relationship still seems to defy definition. It seems to be separate from his harem, has a separate reason for being. I think the fact that he is here is proof, if any was needed, that ours is special. I doubt it is lost on him that no one else has offered to help him, and I also think it is time for me to just accept what is and not worry about it. He has become exceedingly affectionate, and enjoys talking with me a lot. At times he would rather talk with me than with Xelle. Perhaps the difference between a virtual relationship and a real one. However, something strange happened. At one point he looked at me and asked me what I wanted. I asked what he meant. He said that was probably his answer. I said “Are you asking me if I want a sexual relationship?” and he said yes. I told him that I knew he wasn't wanting that, but if he had been inclined I would be fine with that. However since he isn't inclined, I am fine with it the way it is. He said he isn't inclined, but he also said he isn't inclined with anyone. It was an odd little snippet that seemed to come from nowhere, though I'm sure something I said must have triggered it. At any rate, we are continuing to really get to know each other. We are very comfortable now and it is nice to see him looking and acting so content, or as content as he can be under these circumstances. He isn't hiding or being grumpy, and that is a huge improvement over his behavior in the past. He did tell me it would be easier when we were together, and I think he was right. Easier for both of us.

June 25

OMG, one of the worst days in recent memory. Michael picked the perfect day to stay home as this was, without a doubt, the longest, most frustrating day in a very long time. Complications have come up with the surgery and I spent the day trying to sort them out. Will have to go back to Orange County tomorrow to take the chest films back, but first, have to see an ophthalmologist to see what is going on with my eyes, could be the eyes,or could be my brain. Neither prospect is pleasing. I may know more tomorrow, or I may not.

But Michael is taking this very seriously. I sent him messages occasionally during the day and his reply was always that my health is paramount and nothing else matters. Then he gave up raiding tonight so he could wait for me. He was outside, waiting when I finally pulled in, 10 hours after leaving home this morning. He was drunk, but it wasn't the time to discuss that, but he was really happy to see me, wanted to hear what was going on, telling me I had made the right decision in being honest with the doctor. He have me tons of hugs and held my hand almost all night. He kept thanking me for not making him go with me, that he would have freaked out with all the shit that happened. I told him I was really glad he wasn't there, that having him with me would have added to my stress, not helped it, because I would have been so worried about him. And, I also told him that knowing he was here, that he was taking care of Hamish and waiting for me to get home meant more to me than anything. He asked me if I really meant that or was I just bull shitting him. I told him I really meant it, and I did. There are times, like today, when a day is just so horrible and yet can be made so much better just by having someone who cares waiting at home.

He brought up the sex thing again, wanted to make sure I wasn't offended. I told him he had made his position clear weeks ago, that servicing and pleasuring me was not the reason I brought him here to live, and no, I wasn't offended. Our relationship doesn't need sex to thrive. In fact, sex would probably get in the way. So, yes, I am fine with the way we are now. I love him, he loves me, but sex is not the way we demonstrate that affection. His foregoing raid to wait for me to get home after a bad day says more to me than any number of blow jobs.

June 26

More talk. 9 hours and missed raid again. May be the last time we have a talk marathon for a while, it was the last night of drinking. He told me to hide my bourbon. Wants me to buy some more rum, for “emergencies,” but hide that too, and he promised not to look for it. We'll see. Of course, a sober Michael means one that is more withdrawn and more fragile In many ways. However, the stress we are under right now will improve with time and hopefully that will help him learn to be a bit more relaxed. He was very affectionate last night, touching me, holding my hand, and apologizing that he may not be that way for a while after he quits drinking.

We discussed – again – the nature of our relationship. I don't care anymore that it doesn't have a label, and I am seeing a bit more clearly how it looks. His harem is very important to him, especially Mary, whom he now admits to loving, but even she is only a voice at the moment, while I am real and right next to him. I am the one who is changing his life, who is tangible, who can give him the hugs he needs, the one he can help directly that makes him feel like he has a purpose and a job, the one he can tell anything to (and does). I am very real and immediate and this will cause problems at some point I'm sure, but we not only love each other, we respect each other and our privacy and our needs. We have real plans for a future for the two of us; real obstacles to overcome; real triumphs to celebrate. Last night we sat and made a grocery list together. That mundane task takes on new meaning when looked at in the context of a viable relationship, not just a virtual one. I still have my own insecurities I must deal with, but time and patience on both our parts will hopefully go a long way to bolstering my own ego and helping me accept his love and that of those around me. It is also going to help me put limits on those around me as well. Michael has already started acting as my “pitbull.” He talked to Anne Marie yesterday who wanted me to bring her some caffeine, and told her to deal with whatever she needed to do at that time and not to bother me, that at this time my needs must come first. I have always had a hard time saying no to her and consequently have often felt “used” by her. With Michael's help, perhaps she and I can get our relationship on a more mutually healthy footing.

Surgery is still an unknown. I got cleared by the ophthalmologist and talked with my doctor. What I had was called a transient ischemic attack. Something in my brain stem triggered it. Could have been low blood sugar, heat, a million things. It is not indicative of a possible future stroke, but if anything like that happens again, I need to go to my doctor immediately and further tests will be required. We still haven't gotten the results on the urine culture, and that is the only hurdle left. We are proceeding as though the surgery will happen on Monday. I will call the hospital and see if it is still scheduled. I suppose it is possible they could call Monday morning and cancel it, but I hope not. We are going up to Lea's to spend the night. She lives very near the hospital and can take us there in the morning. She has to come here to pick us up because I won't be able to drive for at least a week, but she doesn't seem to mind, though turning around and driving us back right away might be imposing too much. But Michael, with his new shorter hair and trimmed beard, looks very presentable. I don't think he will scare her, lol.

[It is interesting to reread these early journal entries.  To see the seeds of jealousy starting to poke up, to hear how I deny that I would really have liked a sexual relationship with him.  I am adding these comments a year and a half later and the situation is very different.  I refuse to edit out anything from this journal because it is what I was thinking and feeling at the time, but hindsight can be amusing and embarrassing as well.]

The Real Adventure Begins

June 11

I got back from Hawaii last night, late. It was an absolutely perfect vacation. I took lots of pictures, Sam and I got along great, he treated me like a queen and our sex was very good too. However, ironically, we decided that we have a number of differences that probably make a permanent relationship unlikely. For one, he is 3000 miles away, is a neat-nick, and very frugal with his money. Generous, but frugal. I am much less of a neat-nick and not particularly frugal. Plus I will have my hands full with Michael for a while, so we agreed to be good friends, and lovers when we can, but as much as I enjoyed my visit, and I really did, this is better. From my point of view, I need a person who is more affectionate. He is very affectionate in bed, but when we are out, not so much. He got to the point where he would hold my hand, but only if I linked my arm with his. But that's all ok. We had a fantastic time together, and I will always be grateful for the wonderful time he showed me. I kept a journal of the trip with the thought of including it here, but I don't think it is really pertinent. Plus it has a number of intimate parts that are better kept just between us.

While I was gone I used the mobile app to keep in touch with the guild and with Michael. He was very terse the entire time I was gone, and to be honest, that made me feel a little bad. I got home at midnight last night and sent him a message, inviting him to skype me when he felt like it. He did almost immediately. Mary was in skype with us too, though that's no big deal. He is very comfortable with her, and so am I, so we were able to talk, and we did until 4 am. One of the first things he said was that he didn't respond to me much while I was gone because he wanted my mind on Sam, not on him. And he teased me about asking people to keep an eye on him, lol. Well, I think he did fine, but he also said there is some anxiety building, but he is keeping it at bay with the excitement. He was very proud of himself because he finally sorted through his closet, with Mary's help. She kept him company on line and that was the big job and now it's done. He also told me had had talked to Rolland and he is very positive. He is hoping the three of us can get together before we have to leave. He has another friend he says he is having a hard time telling about leaving, but he will get it done. And he said he was going to wait until the last minute to tell his older sister and his aunt, because both of them have big mouths, he says, and as soon as he does, the entire family will know. He feels that while it is possible they may be supportive, it is more likely they will try to change his mind and give him grief about the decision, and if he does it right before he leaves, there will be little or no time for them to react. It is totally his decision how he wants to handle it.

Now that Hawaii is over, this move is imminent. The Grand Adventure is really about to start. Today is Thursday, and I am home today, but tomorrow I have to go to Orange County to do some blood work and have lunch with my sister. Saturday I am having my nails done, and need to pack because I will be leaving about 4am on Sunday morning. There is a long, tedious drive in front of me, but after that, the fun begins. I'm keeping a “weather eye” on the weather as I drive across the plains because bad weather is forecast. So Michael was giving me tips for avoiding tornadoes, lol, like I wouldn't just go in the opposite direction if I saw one, and/or die of fright. At the moment, it isn't looking bad, so maybe it will be a boring trip after all. In a way, everything I have written since the start of this book is prologue, and once I get to MN, the real story begins.

June 12

Well, the best laid plans some how always have a way of going awry. My car broke down today. Looks like the alternator and it will cost $500 to fix it. They will get it fixed tomorrow so I can leave on Sunday as planned, but with considerably less money than I thought I would have. Especially since Jarrod wants $1500 from me for the roof. He will just have to take payments for that since my income is dipping in August by $750 because my retirement incentive is done. We will be ok, but it will be a bit tighter than I wanted, and I think food stamps from Michael will be a big help.

Jarrod picked me up from the repair shop and we talked as we drove home. He is thinking that they might move off the hill, and even thought about the idea of a house big enough for all of us, but unfortunately, the “all of us” didn't include Michael. I'm hoping that he and Michael will get along and that he doesn't want to do this right away. Maybe by the time it becomes a reality, if it does, Michael will be able to contribute and he and Jarrod will not be wanting to kill each other. I really have my doubts about whether that idea of all of us living together will work out. But I'm not going to borrow trouble at this time.

Michael was extremely drunk tonight in raid, same last night and more than usual. I think he is experiencing some anxiety and trying to keep it at bay with rum. And he knows he won't be able to drink like that after next week. Good thing too as he is killing himself this way. Self destruction clothed as alcohol to reduce inhibitions? I hope not. He told me he talked to his friend Chris today and I don't think it went really well. He says Chris needs more time to think about this. That his only comment was “You have friends in California?” He feels once Chris realizes he has made a firm commitment to starting a new life that Chris will accept the situation. Regardless, Michael remains committed, even if the anxiety is rising.

June 13

Well, the shit is well and truly hitting the fan right now. Michael's anxiety level is off the chart and I am hearing about it. I have also seen it first hand last night in raid. He was drunker than I have ever seen him, and it was a bit scary. Mary tells me they had a conversation that didn't end well, that he told her he is trying to push her away and accused her of ganging up on him with her friend Amber. Amy said he won't open up to her, but she noticed the heavier than normal drinking and the increase in swearing and sexual references in raid last night. I am going to try to have a talk with him and see if I can calm him down. I want to remind him of his reasons for wanting to make this move, and they haven't changed, but I suspect he isn't aware of what is happening to him right now, or maybe he is but is helpless to stop it. I don't know. In a way, it will be the first real test of this Grand Adventure, and I'm not even there yet. I hope that my being there will calm him, but that is still 3 days away. I wish he would just go hang with Rolland for a couple of days until I can get there. Rolland is a good influence on him I think. The unlimited access to alcohol he has right now is fueling his anxiety rather than keeping it at bay.

After a very frustrating day I finally connected with Michael. He had been beating himself up because of his meltdown, but in true Michael fashion, he talked to all the parties involved from last night and worked things out. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, and he admits it just got away from him. He didn't realize his anxiety was getting to critical mass. He thought he could keep it in check, but he “popped” as he put it. Better now than while we are in transit I guess. I didn't even have to remind him of his reasons, I don't think he ever considered not going through with it. But he was scared and it was all just too much.

I don't know if I can be the safety valve for growing anxiety for him, but if I can't I can at least help put him back together after the fact. I think it will be easier for both of us when we are back here. He says for the first time he can let go, and be himself totally. I asked him if he could do that with David and he said no, absolutely not. He says there is just too much baggage, he calls it Catholic Guilt, and he wants to just leave it behind and start fresh.

It's funny, at the beginning of this year I made a conscious decision to not be alone anymore. I started looking on dating websites, which is how I met Sam, but it's funny that my companion turns out to be Michael. I would never have believed that would happen. I told him that and he understood, and said we are in this together, this isn't about him or about me, it is about us, as a couple, a very odd couple indeed.

So, I'm packed and nearly ready to go. Just a last few things. I want to go to bed early tonight so I can get up early and get on the road. I need some rest anyway. I had a very disturbing thing happen on my way home from Anne Marie's house. I was driving down the road and suddenly I couldn't see straight. It was like my eyes were crossed and I couldn't uncross them. I stopped the car, closed my eyes several times, and each time I opened them it was still there, until finally it was gone. It went on for several minutes and I thought I was going to have to call for help. I'm glad I didn't. I don't know what it was, maybe a sudden drop in blood sugar. I haven't eaten much since I got home from Hawaii. There is hardly any food in the house. I'll go grocery shopping when I get back.

June 23

Back with Michael in tow.

It was a long trip, over 4 thousand miles, and not exactly what I expected.

I arrived in Minnesota and Michael and I met for the first time in person. I had been prepared, I thought, for him, but still he was different from what I expected. He has hair, lots and lots of hair, everywhere. His hair on his head is long, more than half way down his back, and somewhat wild and unkempt, and he likes to wear it long and free. His beard covers much of his face, and my opinion is that he uses his hair to hide behind. His hair is a brown mahogany, his beard is ginger, and his chest is covered with a mat of black hair. Nothing matches. He is not tall, about 5'10”, but he is a big man, very barrel chested, and a little bit overweight, but not too bad. He has full lips, a very straight nose, and chiseled features. His eyes are a beautiful blue. His skin is very pale, consistent with someone who seldom gets outside. I have no idea what he thought of me, but the initial meeting was awkward, very awkward. And only because he was having such anxiety over the whole thing that he could barely function. I kept expecting him to tell me he had changed his mind and I even asked him if he had or wanted to, but he was determined, just completely freaked out.

Shortly before I arrived, I had a call from my surgeon's office. John, the PA, told me I had failed my blood test, that I had a bacterial infection in my urine, and that if it isn't cured, surgery will have to be postponed. I think I brought home an unexpected souvenir form Hawaii. I told him I was in MN and he said to give him the number of a pharmacy and he would call in a prescription. I called Michael and asked him for the number of a local pharmacy which he got for me. After I arrived and had gotten my things in, I could see how uptight he was so I suggested he show me the pharmacy. He had trouble finding it, partly because he was nervous and partly because he doesn't drive. I picked up the prescription and a bottle of wine. After we got home I gave him a bottle of rum I had bought for David, but to help with his anxiety, I suggested he have a drink. That helped a lot and he settled down, but it was necessary to keep him fairly drunk for a couple of days to get much out of him. During those days I didn't get much sightseeing done. I made a couple of trips to the Mall of America, but felt I needed to be close to him when he was awake. On the final day, Friday, he still hadn't finished his packing. The drinking became extremely heavy for both of us. I was well and truly drunk too, and I was listening in to raid while Michael played. During break Michael and I got a little carried away. He and I were sitting on the floor beside each other, and for some reason, he was wearing only his skivvies. At one point I put my hand on his leg and he started yelling that I was trying to touch his penis. I honestly don't remember what I said, but I have heard about that incident since I got home. Apparently the guild loved hearing me be something other than the goodie-goodie they think I am. If they only knew....

After raid, and after he finished talking with Mary, he and I spent several hours talking and he was still drinking. He was very affectionate, just like he always was, and kept looking at his closet saying “One more drink and one more cigarette and I'll get started.” That went on for about 3 hours. I kept him company, listening and doing a little talking, until 4 am when he finally collapsed and we were able to get a little sleep. I slept in his bed and he was on the floor next to the bed. However, we only got about 3 hours because we had to leave the next day by noon and we still had the packing to do. It was so very sad to see him so hung over, I'm surprised he could function at all. And of course, with the hangover comes the depression. We were finally ready to go at noon and got started. Leaving David was probably one of the hardest things he has ever done. I almost cried. But he made it fast then proceeded to sleep or try to sleep for the next six hours until we got to Kansas City where we met Pol. That was a lovely evening, but he was still very quiet and depressed, so I bought him a couple of drinks, not enough to get him drunk, but enough to loosen him up. The next day he was very quiet again until afternoon, when the hangover finally seemed to wear off.

The hangover wore off, but the depression and anxiety were still there, in spades. We didn't speak much the entire trip back. I should have realized what would happen, but I forgot that the drunk Michael is not the real Michael – yet. He hates car trips, change in general, and any talk that is deals with things more than a day away. His quietness was his way of dealing with his freaking out, but it was still difficult for me. That is my problem, not his. He is not only freaking out over the move, but over the surgery that is next week. I kinda take it for granted, but I keep forgetting his irrational fears about it.

The final leg of the trip, today, was the best in some respects. It was fairly short, and he had the tablet I brought along to play with, to keep him occupied. The last 20 miles were harrowing for him. We had to go from the desert floor up to 4 thousand feet, and the only way to get up there was by a very windy road with long drops. He held it together, mostly. He is afraid of heights and being in cars in treacherous (as he put it) situations. If he hadn't been so pitiful, it would have been funny. Actually it was very funny anyway and he told me later he was hamming it up.

We finally made it home a couple of hours ago and he is in his room sorting things out. As soon as we got home, he gave me a big hug, the first I have received since we left. His mood was much lighter, and he was talking a blue streak. We still have a lot ahead of us, but this trip gave me an insight into what I am facing with him better than anything that had gone on before. He is still the Michael I love, but setting that other Michael free isn't going to be easy. He doesn't want to drink. Has made that abundantly clear, and I admire his strength of character to keep to that. He says drink is behind him and the new life will have to be mostly without it. So a lot of us are going to have to get used to a new Michael, one that is more quiet, more difficult to get along with, but still, very much worth the effort.

Later same day:

It is amazing what a little time can do. Michael got his computer up and running then spent a couple of hours with Mary and Amber, then decided he wanted to spend some time with me. We were talking like we haven't done in days, weeks. We were sitting outside, he was having a little wine, and I a bourbon, it was so relaxed. He really likes it here. He loves his room, and the property is quiet and beautiful. Anne Marie came over and spent a couple of hours. They ganged up on me about telling the doctor about the episode with my eyes.. I didn't tell either one of them that I have been having chest pains, because I think everything is related to stress.

Anyway Anne Marie and Michael got along very well, he and I spent a lot of time together, I am getting hugs all the time, he is smiling and talking. He called David and told him we had arrived and that he was really enjoying it here. He loves Hamish. I know it could revert in a heart beat, and no doubt will, but I will be better prepared for it when it happens, and in the meantime, the affection and conversation is just what I needed, so things are ok for now.

The Pot Starts Boiling

May 26

Michael called me on skype last night about midnight and we talked until 3 am at which time I had to go to sleep. I had a busy day planned and at that I only got about 3 hours sleep. Michael is getting better about knowing some people aren't insomniacs, but when he is like that, he likes company.

During this time we talked about, what else, moving here. He told me he is going to tell his cousin Rolland, His older sister, a friend, and his aunt, and that's all. He would like me to meet Rolland when I am in Minneapolis. Rolland is very important to Michael and I would like to meet him and reassure him that I'm not kidnapping Michael. I told Michael what David had said about Michael's father and Michael said he doesn't want anything to do with his father, and he isn't going to tell his younger sibs he is leaving because they are too close to their father. He said he really loves his brother but he can't seem to see him much because he is always busy doing things with their father. Then Michael said that maybe some day, when he is more comfortable with himself he can “live through the bullshit that he dishes out.” and “meet again” to get to know each other. I think he would like that.

He also said that he has worked hard for the last few years to make himself invisible to the family, and he has succeeded. Therefore, he feels they won't even know he has moved. At least not for a while until someone tells them. I find this so incredibly ironic and sad. Michael is a larger than life man who has had a tremendous impact on the people he has met in the guild. He is liked, loved, and missed when he is off line even for a short period of time. Yet to his family he is “invisible.” How terribly sad that they can't see the man I do. He has a heart 10 sizes to big, gives to everyone he knows without thought of any return. Is the most perceptive person I know, so smart, so loving, so charismatic. How can he be invisible?

May 27

Michael asked for a base ball bat or a blunt instrument today. Said he grew up in a bad part of Minneapolis and is anal about keeping doors locked in the house and the car. He will have some adjusting to do to my rather trusting methods in Anza. For my last house I lived in for 10 years I didn't even have a key to the door. And for the five years I have lived here, I have always had my sliding door open for the dogs, even when I'm not home. The same sliding door that is now in his bedroom, lol. However, since I lost my little dog, 2 months ago, I have kept it closed. I'm down to one dog, Hamish, and he is very good in the house for long periods of time. But, I'll look for a baseball bat for him. Ever since that incident at school, probably isn't a bad idea to be more careful.

May 30

OMG I am knackered. Another all night session with Michael, then a trip down the hill to have my hair done and small errands. All in all, 30 hours without sleep, and then only 3 hours since I got home. Guess I'll go to bed real early tonight and see if I can be awake enough to get ready for my trip tomorrow.

But it was an interesting conversation. Michael was drunk as usual and we discussed that health wise. The big thing that came out of that was his strong desire to quit drinking. He says it is making him sick and he really wants to take a permanent break from both drinking and smoking. He drinks rather than eats and sometimes he gets really hungry but drinks because it is easier than fixing something to eat. He asked David to buy a pizza last night and he said he ate ½ of a deep dish pizza all by himself. That he had a couple of slices, went back for more, waited a bit, went back for more. He said that is how hungry he was. Both David and David Sr. are heavy drinkers and smokers and David always has it available. Michael says if it is there he will drink it. He did warn me that when he stops drinking and begins exercising to get in shape that he will require more calories. I'm thinking food stamps, lol.

He is very interested in changing our eating habits. I told him about making juice and we talked about starting a garden, small, with a few melons and berries at first. Maybe we'll see if we can do anything like that when we get back from MN. It will only be the middle of June. We might have time. Carrots are a fast crop, might be able to do something there, assuming we can control the gophers. We may have to look into container gardening. He also said he would take the responsibility of fixing dinner for me on raid nights so we can have a good meal before we go kill bad guys. That would be a very nice change for me for sure, lol

Then the discussion turned to, as it frequently does, Michael's Harem. He feels so glad to be surrounded by “beautiful and loving” women who make him feel loved and wanted, and for whom he can provide a similar “service” (my word, not his). We talked about his desire, or rather his lack thereof to have a closer relationship with one person and how he wants to be able to spread his love to many. He feels he has made big improvements in that area and that Michael's Harem is responsible for his improved moods. That led to a discussion of what we wanted to do when he got home. I told him I felt that, as much as I have helped him so far, I'm not enough. I tried to explain that he needs more help than I am able to give. I'm referring to professional help, and he didn't seem to catch on to that. He just kept saying he knew he needed more, but felt that the women in his life would be that “more.” I am concerned that he may feel professional help isn't necessary as long as he has his harem. But I will gently push him in that direction. I know how this game goes, and people come and go in it, sometimes very suddenly. Even in our guild, which is quite stable, turnover is inevitable.

We discussed jealousy and how he knows when I am feeling “neglected.” I work very hard not to be jealous of his time with other women. I am actually pleased he has so many people he feels comfortable with, but I will admit that at times, especially when I can't talk to him because he is with Mary or someone else, I feel peeved. Small on my part, I know. But it is what it is. However, apparently he picks up on that. Remember I said he is very perceptive, and even though I don't say anything, I think he can read that pretty well. I will leave him alone totally if I see he is talking or playing with someone else. I asked him how he knew and he said it was sometimes in the way I said things, or rather didn't say anything. He hasn't figured out balance yet, so when he is with one person, whoever it is, he is totally there, but apparently, not unmindful of nuances of conversations directed to him. Sometimes he is scary. His ability to read people and respond to their needs is often uncanny. My relationship with him is totally different from his with others as we often have things of substance to discuss. I will send him messages he will see when he gets up. He said something about the difficulty of reading “essays” when he first gets up. But he also says he knows that it is probably the only way to get some information across to him in a timely manner. It should be easier when he is here. We'll see. [It's not...]

Later, we were raiding, and we were both beyond tired, and he was about ready to pass out I think. I was playing on my shaman and asked him, in a wsp, about how to handle positioning during a particular fight. He answered in vent, in a very dismissive way. Told me not to ask him raid strategy questions right then and proceeded to give me some information I already had. I became angry with him for answering me out loud rather than typing a response. I found it embarrassing, but I was also beyond the end of my tolerance for anything at that point, so I logged off and went to bed. Probably one of the many bumps in the road we will encounter, and hopefully we can work them out. However, no point in talking about something when we are both sleep deprived and he is totally drunk.

May 31

Day after tomorrow I leave for Hawaii. I will be with my sister most of tomorrow. Probably pack when I get back. I haven't had a chance to say good bye to Michael so I left him a message. I asked Mary to keep an eye on him. I don't know if he will get nervous about things before I get back, but it wouldn't surprise me. However, Mary is leaving on Monday for a week, so we are both gone at the same time now that I think about it. She will be back before I am, I think. However, there are other Michael's Harem members who can fill in for us, lol. Sometimes I think we are all interchangeable.

To be honest, I am going to try to put him out of my mind for the next 10 days or so. I will be with Sam and I want my total attention to be on him. If I have some down time I will try to check in with the guild, but they are in good hands, and so is Michael. Maybe I'm hoping they will all miss me. It is nice to be missed sometimes.

[I didn't realize it at the time but Michael's anxiety levels were steadily rising. In hindsight, deciding to go on a 10 day trip to see a man I was interested in who lived in Hawaii might not have been the best idea. It left Michael without an outlet for his anxiety and frustration. He wanted me to have a good time so he didn't want to talk to me while I was gone. I still don't know all about what was happening then, but I do know that when I got back things were “difficult.” More about that in the next blog.]

Irrational Fears

May 24

Been fairly quiet. Michael and I haven't talked for very long, he has been busy with his harem and his cousin. I talked with Scott about publishing and he gave me some interesting ideas about publishing this as a blog, or through an existing blog. Don't know which would be better, a gamer blog or a depression blog. There are millions of them out there. And speaking of depression blogs, I found one Michael might be interested in reading. Written by a man very similar to himself, depression, ADHD, anxiety and not able to work apparently. He is a good writer and the blog gets very high marks. I'll tell him about it and he can decide.

I also talked to my landlady Pat because she is an author. She is willing to help me with more technical details. She said, for instance, all writing should be done as an end in itself, not with an eye to publication. That said, she feels the project, as I presented it to her sounds very interesting and felt some of the self-help blogs would be a good venue to start with. She and her husband are going on vacation right about the time Michael and I get home, so when they get back some time in July I should have a lot more written for her perusal. I told her that this is a very personal piece of work for me and she said that was good, the personal, humanistic point of view is very popular. She likes the journaling format and I told her it really helps me to clarify my ideas and motivations. She, too, said Michael needs to do the same.

I have been talking to Pol in game today. She is an old friend from my Silentiume days, and was the GM of that guild, and now a member of mine. She is also a member of Michael's harem. (Actually that should probably be Michael's Harem, like a club) She and her family are going to Minnesota right about the same time we are leaving there. After some discussion we decided we are going to try to meet up in Joplin, MO. That is if Michael can handle her 2 kids, husband and maybe sister in addition to herself. I told her I would have to check with him, but I figured he would walk through fire to meet another of his harem, lol.

In looking at the dates, it seems I will have to either start my trip a day later than I planned, or stay a day longer in Minnesota with the two Davids and Michael. I don't want to impose so I will leave that up to Michael. He did say I should do a little sight seeing while I'm there. He said David is very good at that, but he may be working during the week. We'll see. Either way it will mean some hard driving to get home. For the trip there I am tentatively planning to stay the first night in Durango, CO, and the second in North Platte NE, and each leg of that trip is right about or just under 700 miles. The Anza/Durango leg is the longest. On the way back we will stay in Joplin, then Albuquerque, NM, and that last leg to Anza will be a long one. Since Michael can't drive, it is all on me, but his job will be to entertain me, lol. No falling asleep for him. That will kill us both.

IMay 25

Michael does want to see Pol, I knew he would. I tried to get him to tell me his thoughts about this, and the fact that it will probably take us an extra day to get home, but all he would say was for me to make it easy on myself. I told him I don't make decisions like this without consulting the people involved, and he said he appreciated that, but also that he is adaptable and I am doing him a big favor just by coming to get him. I want to see Pol as much as he does, so hopefully we can make it work. The only sticking point is my pre op appointment. It will need to be moved forward at least a day. Because Pol doesn't leave Texas until the 20^th, and we had planned to leave Minnesota on the 19^th, I am delaying our leaving Minnesota for one day and we will meet in Kansas City, KS. That is only 450 miles from Minnesota, so the remaining trip will be broken up into 3 parts instead of two. I don't think I can do 800 miles in a day. So we are going to stay in Kansas City, then Amarillo TX, then Flagstaff, AZ, then home. Means an extra night on the road, but I can cover that. That is tentative until I can get a hold of the doctor's office and see if we can change the appointment. Also, means 3 days in Minnesota instead of 2.

So I finally got a chance to talk to David, Michael's cousin he lives with, today. I wanted to find out if he was ok with this, and if Michael had told him I would like to stay there, and if he was ok with that. I have to say it was a bit of an awkward conversation, probably for both of us. He is worried Michael will be a burden to me because he has no income. I am aware of this, but I am going to take steps to do something about that as soon as I can. He also said he has told Michael in the past that his friends are always welcome, though he did say Michael has had very few friends. And he said he actually gave Michael's brother a key to the house. So, I am welcome to stay as long as I like. I will be staying in Michael's room, he wants me to have his bed and he will sleep on the floor, something he does fairly frequently, I understand, anyway. I asked David if Michael had told David's father and he said “Yes, sorta, in a half-assed way.” but didn't elaborate. I'll ask Michael. Apparently his father has some concerns, but they seem to deal more with familiarity and being used to having him around. I gave David my phone number and told him if he or his father needed or wanted to discuss this, please to call.

Then we started talking about my plans for Michael, including therapy and other assistance. He agreed that he felt it would be very good for him and said he had suggested things like that to him before. Gone so far as to give him the information, but it always got “lost.” Michael wants this, but he has told me quite candidly that he can't do it alone. He needs someone to go to these places with him, help him with the paperwork, basically hold his hand. If he didn't need that he probably wouldn't need help at all. It is part of what people don't understand about him. Things we take for granted are virtually impossible for him. Remember the bank story....

Finally David mentioned that he was worried about Michael's father. I'm not sure why, maybe I can find out more when I'm there. But I do know Michael and his father don't get along and Michael has no intention of telling him that he is moving. He says he will find out anyway, but I don't think he wants to face him with it. David said that with Michael out of the state, his father won't be able to “control” him, and I think he means see him or try to mend the relationship. At least I hope that's what he meant.

David has a huge heart and cares for Michael. Michael has been living there for about 4.5 years or so. He used to pay rent which he said helped the two Davids out because at that time they were in danger of losing their house. But about a year and a half ago he quit his job and hasn't been able to work since. But I think David feels ok with him coming to CA. Hopefully he realizes I can help Michael when others haven't been able to. At least I hope so.

Michael and I also had a very intense discussion this afternoon. He was playing with his friend Dotty, who is a sweety, and he invited me into Skype too. He was, of course drunk, and he said he realizes that he won't be drinking when he gets to CA so he is going to take advantage of every opportunity now. But that isn't what we discussed. Dotty said that it is obvious how close we are by the way we both talk about each other. Michael talks about me all the time to the rest of his harem. He was in a mushy mood and I was feeling a little delicate and therefore emotional myself. He started talking about how we had met, to Dotty, and how I was coming to Minnesota to get him. Then Dotty excused herself for a minute and Michael started talking about my surgery. He is scared to death something will happen and it will go bad. I have tried to reassure him that the heart issue is under control, but he pushed me and asked me if I was totally comfortable with it. I admitted I worried, not about dying, but about not waking up. Then Dotty came back and he started talking about how much he cared for me, and how he wouldn't want to live if something happened to me. Of course that got me started because of my husband's suicide, and I didn't think I could take hearing him talk that way. I told him how much I cared for him, how nothing is going to happen, that he will be there all the time, and again how much I cared. Then I realized Dotty was still there, and I apologized for getting so intense. She said we almost made her cry, that the feelings between us are so apparent and so real. She told me later that she envies my relationship with Michael, that she feels it is rare and even though her husband is her best friend, she sort of chalked it up to his being her husband. She said she has never had a friendship like ours with anyone. I've said it before, I think what we have is very special.

[I want to add a disclaimer here, for the record. I have deliberately toned down this last paragraph. Some things are so personal and are felt so deeply that I'm just not comfortable sharing them with anyone but Michael. I know many people will feel that it is impossible for us to have such deep feelings for someone we have never met in person. I can't convince them of the reality of our feelings, so I won't try. But for those of you who know such things are possible, I apologize for the white wash.]

[And for those who may be interested in the story of my husband, John was a Marine Corp officer during Vietnam. He served 4 tours of duty and was a Silver Star recipient. He left the Marine Corp after Vietnam and seemed to be coping well, but when the war went bad he could no longer live with what he had seen and done there. I went to the store one day and when I came home I found him dead. He had shot himself. I was 5 months pregnant with Anne Marie. This was 8 years before PTSD was recognized as a mental condition. Since that war ended, there have been more suicides from Vietnam alone than there were people killed in that war. I used to be asked all the time if I had gotten a rubbing from The Wall. I had to reply that he wasn't on The Wall. We have learned a lot from that debacle. The military is now treated with the respect they deserve and not as the scapegoats they were after Vietnam. Of that I am happy, but my husband's suicide has made me very sensitive to mental illness generally and suicidal behavior specifically. I recently heard of a movement, the semi-colon tattoo movement, whose aim is to desigmatize mental illness. The idea is that when writing, a semi-colon can be used to signify a pause in a sentence where the author could easily have used a period. Life is the sentence that someone decided to not to end, and the semi-colon is the symbol of life continuing when it could easily have been ended too soon. As soon as I could after my surgery I got that tattoo on my wrist. Not just for John, or Michael, but for all the others I love who suffer from depression, myself included.]

Meet Mary

May 13

OMG spent 9 hours in Skype with Michael yesterday. I don't think I have ever talked continuously with anyone for 9 hours in my life. Nothing really significant, just chit chat and laughs and pet battling. Talked about food, likes and dislikes there, small things like that. Since it was Mother's Day I suggested he needed to say Happy Mother's Day to his mom, which he, somewhat reluctantly, did via Facebook. She responded later and wanted to know if he was available for the 4^th of July. He had a laugh about that since he will be here, but he didn't tell her that, I don't know what he said, if anything. He said that she probably won't notice that he has moved away. Quite sad, that.

May 14

Michael seems in a better mood these days and isn't drinking. At least at the moment. He is able to maintain a social side better than I have seen in a while. Plus he is talking more openly with me about the move, bringing it up himself, just small comments, wanted to be sure he knew the name of our town so when he told people where he was going he could be specific. That kind of thing. He is much more relaxed about it and much less scared. Getting used to the idea and our frequent small talks about it are doing the job of making him more comfortable. Also, he told me getting that bank thing off his mind has helped a lot too. Because of Hawaii, I won't be around much to talk to him about it in the weeks just leading up to the move so I hope that doesn't make him nervous again. Can't be helped if it does. I'll just deal with it when I get home. If necessary, or even if not, I'll probably be able to find time to Skype him while I'm in Hawaii just to see how he is doing.

We also talked a little about his money situation. I looked into getting Medi-cal health insurance and the process seems fairly simple and straight forward. However I was worried because I didn't know if he had filed taxes or how long he had been out of work. I asked him and he said he had a W-2 from early 2014 which is when he stopped working, but said it wasn't enough to bother filing taxes that year, but that he had his 2013 tax return. That will help a lot when we finally start the process.

May 15

Michael finally told someone about the move, and it wasn't anyone I would have expected. We have a young woman in the guild whom I have known for about 5 years. Her name is Mary, and she and Michael have become very close friends. Mary has had men come on to her in the past and she tends to be a very private person herself, so she was a little reluctant at first when he started talking to her. Michael is a very high energy person with a very charismatic personality (Mary describes him as “wicked charming”). He is not shy at all about telling people, men and women, how wonderful he thinks they are, and he can go on and on in that vein. He is extremely open and honest about everything and doesn't really have any mouth filter at all. So when he is friends with someone it isn't by half measures. She told me she doesn't get that close to too many men because they tend to want more from her than she is willing to give. But with Michael, she hasn't felt that way. Oh, she told me he has hinted, probably more unconsciously than consciously, that if she was interested he would be too, but she says she wants to stay within the boundaries she is comfortable with. Having said that though, Michael is so comfortable with her that he told her about our plans. A huge first for him, and a tangible indication of his increasing comfort with the idea of the move.

I had previously told Mary what we were going to do, but she said she knew he wanted to tell her in his own way so she didn't let on that she already knew. That too meant a lot to Michael. I asked him if he was falling in love with her. He said no. I know he has had virtual romances before that haven't ended well, and it has burned him. So he told me he wasn't going down that road again. But Mary is such a different kind of person than he has been involved with before. She is truly genuine and caring. I don't want to see either one of them hurt. Or their friendship damaged. So, if they are both content to leave it as just friendship, then I won't argue. Frankly, Michael has a lot in front of him and a relationship might just complicate things. I told him that and he agreed, and says he is very content that his libido is under control now and he can appreciate Mary without feeling the need to possess her in any way at all.

May 17

We had another one of our long talks today. The flood gates have opened, and Michael is telling more people about the move. I have told some too, so now it is no longer a secret and I don't care. Originally I worried that because of my position In the guild it would be misconstrued and harm my standing in the guild and cause drama. I no longer believe that will happen, nor will I care if it does. People will think what they will, facts notwithstanding. Michael is so comfortable now that he changed his public note on the roster to read “Linda's Manservant” Talk about announcing it, lol.

He is also ready to tell people on his end. His cousin Rolland is at the top of the list. His cousin David, with whom he lives, knows and approves, but he hasn't told David Sr., who also lives there. There were a couple of others on his list as well, but he didn't mention his parents or his siblings. He now wants to miss raid on Thursdays and spend that time with “his boys” as he calls the two Davids. He says he realizes that will pull time away from time spent with me, but I assured him I'm not concerned. We will have a lot of time together quite soon.

Mary was a frequent topic of the conversation, and I suspect he is not being totally honest with himself about his feelings for her. Only time will tell how that will turn out. One thing he did say is she was able to pull him out of a very deep depression a couple of weeks ago. That was when he went hermity for more days than usual. I didn't realize she had been responsible for his surfacing. Good work, Mary :).

We also talked about “our” future together, expectations, how we will handle inevitable problems, things like that. We discussed our mutual irrational fears. My fear he will harm himself, his fear I may die in surgery. We understand that communication is going to be crucial to this partnership, and as long as we can do that, we should be OK. I told him my son-in-law isn't keen on this and Michael said he realizes not all people will understand, and he can see where Jarrod would be worried about me and very protective. I am assuming they will work that out with time, and I'm not worried about it. Just letting Michael know what to expect. He is such an interesting study, often so adolescent in some respects, yet with clear perceptions of other people and their reactions to him at the same time. He couples that with a strong sense of self and an ability to laugh and make jokes at his own expense, painlessly. If we ever get this guy sorted out, he will be a force to be reckoned with. Someone who could do whatever in the world he wanted to, and people would flock to him. Wicked charming, indeed.

May 20

Couple of interesting notes:

Yesterday there was a lockdown at school. A man, supposedly with a gun, was on campus. Whether he had a gun or not, the police who came did, and their guns were drawn. Everyone was safe, they got the guy, but I want to leave here as soon as we can. Even though he is not here yet, Michael and I are now a “couple” and we go together. I'm afraid we will have to spend a year more here, before we can leave, but that will give us time to see what we are going to do. Regardless, we are out of here in a year.

Second, I was watching a video today called “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.” A man's documentary about how he changed his life with a juice fast. Michael and I want to change our diet, improve our health, and maybe that will help with Michael's depression as well. I need to discuss this with him. See if he is willing to incorporate that into our eating plan.

Third, my sister sent me a newspaper horoscope at the beginning of the year, I put it on the refrigerator, it got covered up, and I rediscovered it yesterday. It says, “This year you often see what others don't. They have no way of understanding what they cannot grasp. Explanations will need to be made, and you are the person for the job. If you are single, you are likely to meet someone from midsummer on. This person could light up your life. You might also find yourself in a predicament where you have two suitors to choose between.....”

This sounds so much like reality. Michael and I will meet for the first time face to face on the 17^th of June, and will be home on the 21^st of June, midsummer's day. Also, that is right after I return from Hawaii. So, two “suitors.” Not to mention the part about seeing what others don't and having to make explanations. I have looked at these newspaper horoscopes for years, but this is the first one that ever seemed to mirror what is actually going on in my life. Coincidence or …. not? For now, just an interesting note.

[Michael is certainly not a “suitor,” though there are some who think he is. But the need to make explanations to others who don't understand why he is here and why I want to try to help him is definitely necessary. Most of my family falls into that category unfortunately. But apart from my daughter Anne Marie, they have little internet experience and don't understand how relationships can be established. But Michael definitely “lights up my life.”]

Preparations

May 3

[ Actual move not for about six weeks, so been getting things ready at home. Meanwhile, Michael went on a major binge.] Michael came back today from being out of game for 4 days. Being out of game after a bender isn't unusual for him, but the length of this was. A couple of days is normal, but 4 days had me a little worried. He said he was on social overload and knew it was longer than usual, and would talk to me when he could about what is going on. I know this will happen when he is here, but I think it will be easier when I can just peek in on him to make sure is OK. He was also annoyed with me, but I'm used to that. I left a lot of little short messages for him on Battle Net over the course of about 3 days, just like a mini diary of what's going on. I asked him if he had seen any of them and he replied quite tersely that he had seen all ...of ...them. Made me laugh; I bug him on purpose to make sure he knows I'm around for him and to keep him from just shutting down.

We talked for a long time tonight. Michael was drunk, but I expect that right now. He wanted to thank me for talking to Mary [not her real name. All names in here, except Michael's and mine have been changed to protect their privacy.] and letting her know that he is harmless and just wants to be her friend. Nothing more. I like seeing him being social, but apparently, it is really costing him. He had to have a longer Hermit Time because he allowed himself to get overloaded with his harem. He said he is going to have to start self limiting that. Yeah, right.

Then he started taking about our Grand Adventure and how excited he is, but how terrified he is as well. He has people, family, he has to tell and I don't think he is looking forward to that. To be honest, I have been kinda worried he would back out of the whole thing, but I don't think that is going to happen now. He was adamant that he wants to come, that he needs a new start, and he is excited about being able to live without all the problems he has now. I realize, whether he is able to get rid of some of those problems or not, that “fixing” him isn't going to be easy or quick. But I prefer at this point to have him very positive about the experience.

May 6

Michael is being a bit Hermity today (a word I invented just for him). Not just today but for the last couple of days. Over the weekend he helped power level a couple of people and that kind of intense interaction with others just drains him. He is regenerating while in this Hermity mode. I understand that, but it is hard to communicate with him for long when he is like that. However, to continue getting ready for him, I sent him a series of questions I need him to answer, what he likes to eat, things like that. I told him to do it only when he wasn't annoyed by it, if ever. Hawaii is in 4 weeks, and I need to be ready for him before I go to Hawaii.

I got rid of my fish and my birds yesterday. Not a big sacrifice, been largely ignoring them for a while now. I needed the room in the living room for Michael, so the fish are gone, and the birds were just messy and I felt guilty about neglecting them.

I continue to look forward to Hawaii and Sam. I haven't told him about Michael moving in, not sure what he would say, but at this point in our relationship it really is my decision. I have no idea where we are going with this, if anywhere. He is the first man I have been with in years, so I'm enjoying that, and he is too. Hawaii will be very revealing, 10 days with him 24/7. We will either be solid at the end of it – or not. We'll see.

May 10

Had another long marathon session with Michael yesterday. He had been up all night and called me at 5:30 a.m. because he wanted someone to talk to and he was feeling guilty for not talking to me for a week. I told him no need, I understood, but I also told him that my own insecurities rear up and then I wonder if he is getting cold feet. After yesterday's talk I can put that fear to rest.

We talked about so many things over the course of an almost 6 hour conversation. He is teaching me to pet battle in game and during the course of that and the conversations about it, other things pop up. Things which are significant and revealing. I have been taking his friendship with other people for granted, but I now realized how rare and what a gift it is for him. He has never had friendships like he has made here before. He has never felt as wanted as he does in the guild. He doesn't know how to manage that, to limit and protect himself, so he allows himself to get overloaded and then has to “run and hide for a week” as he puts it. I am very proud of our guild and love the people in it. Never more so than for what they are doing for Michael. Without even thinking about it they have embraced him and made him feel loved and accepted, men as well as women, and it is a rare and wonderful feeling for him. The confidence that has given him has made him borderline egotistical, but he will learn to handle that as well because he is aware of it. I have never met anyone as self aware as he is. I guess it comes from years of solitude.

We did talk about us and our relationship vis a vie the guild. I told him that I will never put him above the good of the guild as a whole. He agreed that I should never do that and that he would never ask or expect me to do so. I admit it has been sometimes hard for me, very hard at times, for me to stand back when he is being an ass in raid and disturbing others. Simon especially, when he was raid lead, had a lot of trouble with him and would talk to me about banning him from vent, and I always told him he needed to do what he felt was necessary. Ironically, he did one time ban him from vent and most of the support of the raiders came down on the side of Michael. Many have told me that Michael is the reason they love to raid with us and that he makes raiding fun. Michael truly has become an extremely important part of the guild. He also told me that it is fairly common knowledge about our plans. I have to take the blame for that, I have told a few people and in a small community such as ours, word gets around. However, neither one of us is bothered about that. Let people think what they will. He says that, from what he has heard, there is positive support for the idea, and I have found this as well.

Then the talk turned, as inevitably it will, to the move and the changes coming up. Things that he needs to do. He had mentioned his bank to me before, but today it became a significant issue. Apparently Michael has been scared to death that he is overdrawn with his bank and he can't do anything about either finding out or doing something about it. And when I say scared, I mean paralyzed with fear. He said it has been keeping him from sleeping. Apparently he had a checking account that had maybe $30 in it, and it has been inactive for a few months. The bank takes money out each month for a maintenance feel. (My opinion about the bank and their “maintenance fees” is not printable.) I told him he could just call and see what the balance is, and that's when I realized he was emotionally unable to do that simple step. So I called the bank, gave them the situation and asked just generally, whether they would continue taking fees out once the balance had been exhausted. I was told that no, the account would be closed once it reached a zero balance and no overdraft fees would be accrued.

When I told Michael about this his relief was extreme. Not just because he doesn't have a debt he owes and can't pay, but just knowing one way or another, what the situation was, and not having to constantly worry about it and not be able to do something about finding out. I can't imagine what it must be like for him. Simple things we take for granted on a day to day basis absolutely terrify him and he has no way to cope. When he is being social, i.e., drunk, it is easy to forget how seriously disabled he truly is. Later, after he had slept for about 9 hours, he came online and told me that because of the simple act on my part of calling the bank and sorting that out for him that he got the best sleep he has had in a long time.

Our conversation, as I said, went on for almost six hours. We covered many topics, the move being a large part. At one point he asked me what my birthday was. I told him the date, and he said no, he meant the actual birth date, the year, and wanted to know exactly how old I was, even though he knows. So I told him I would be 68 in just under a month. He said he wanted to be able to tell people how old I was when he tells them about the move. Wants to reassure them that he isn't going to be my boy toy (my term, not his). Being brutally honest here, I hated the reminder of the differences in our ages. Don't get me wrong, as vulnerable as Michael is, nothing would be worse for him than any kind of relationship with me other than friendship. But a girl can dream, lol.....

And that takes us full circle back to trying to define our relationship. I think I may have a handle on it, at last. There is true love and caring between us, something we are very open about. He tells me quite sincerely that he loves me, something he seldom says to anyone, even to me, and I believe him. I also love him and tell him that frequently. But if it isn't romantic love, what is it? I think I have finally figured out that Michael is my best friend. Someone I can trust, confide in, know will always be there for me. He brings elements into my life that have been missing for way to long. Laughter - I have laughed more in the last six months than I have in the last 10 years. I can't remember the last time I laughed until I cried, but it happens frequently now. He gives me the companionship of someone who wants to be with me. Someone who expects the best from me but sometimes gets the worst and still comes back. Who expects me to continue to learn and grow, to not lean on others, to be strong. When I told him that, it moved him almost to tears. I know he has had a few good friends in his life, but I suspect not many are as close as we are, and such strong friendships are rare in my own life as well. I think the kind of friendship we have may be rare in many people's lives. It is no secret to either one of us that this Grand Adventure is going to benefit both of us equally. Few things are done out of simple altruism, and certainly not this. I benefit as much as he does, and for all the reasons I have stated above. I truly want him to become an independent person who can function in society without help, so I keep that picture firmly in my mind as my goal. I know that means that some day he may move out on his own and I know, too, that it may be difficult for me then, especially if I have no one in my life. But I also believe I am meant to do this, and that this will sort out the way it is intended to. Perhaps this is a Kharmic debt I owe. Who knows?

[I have come to believe that the bond between us is because of our souls being connected in some way. Soul mates maybe, but almost more than that. We reflect back on each other, see ourselves in each other, recognize the fact that my strengths are his weaknesses, and vice versa. Our souls mirror each other and so are familiar, yet opposite. But we have a strong need to help each other become more than we are now, because as he grows, so do I and as he heals and becomes whole, I do as well.]