The Pot Starts Boiling

May 26

Michael called me on skype last night about midnight and we talked until 3 am at which time I had to go to sleep. I had a busy day planned and at that I only got about 3 hours sleep. Michael is getting better about knowing some people aren't insomniacs, but when he is like that, he likes company.

During this time we talked about, what else, moving here. He told me he is going to tell his cousin Rolland, His older sister, a friend, and his aunt, and that's all. He would like me to meet Rolland when I am in Minneapolis. Rolland is very important to Michael and I would like to meet him and reassure him that I'm not kidnapping Michael. I told Michael what David had said about Michael's father and Michael said he doesn't want anything to do with his father, and he isn't going to tell his younger sibs he is leaving because they are too close to their father. He said he really loves his brother but he can't seem to see him much because he is always busy doing things with their father. Then Michael said that maybe some day, when he is more comfortable with himself he can “live through the bullshit that he dishes out.” and “meet again” to get to know each other. I think he would like that.

He also said that he has worked hard for the last few years to make himself invisible to the family, and he has succeeded. Therefore, he feels they won't even know he has moved. At least not for a while until someone tells them. I find this so incredibly ironic and sad. Michael is a larger than life man who has had a tremendous impact on the people he has met in the guild. He is liked, loved, and missed when he is off line even for a short period of time. Yet to his family he is “invisible.” How terribly sad that they can't see the man I do. He has a heart 10 sizes to big, gives to everyone he knows without thought of any return. Is the most perceptive person I know, so smart, so loving, so charismatic. How can he be invisible?

May 27

Michael asked for a base ball bat or a blunt instrument today. Said he grew up in a bad part of Minneapolis and is anal about keeping doors locked in the house and the car. He will have some adjusting to do to my rather trusting methods in Anza. For my last house I lived in for 10 years I didn't even have a key to the door. And for the five years I have lived here, I have always had my sliding door open for the dogs, even when I'm not home. The same sliding door that is now in his bedroom, lol. However, since I lost my little dog, 2 months ago, I have kept it closed. I'm down to one dog, Hamish, and he is very good in the house for long periods of time. But, I'll look for a baseball bat for him. Ever since that incident at school, probably isn't a bad idea to be more careful.

May 30

OMG I am knackered. Another all night session with Michael, then a trip down the hill to have my hair done and small errands. All in all, 30 hours without sleep, and then only 3 hours since I got home. Guess I'll go to bed real early tonight and see if I can be awake enough to get ready for my trip tomorrow.

But it was an interesting conversation. Michael was drunk as usual and we discussed that health wise. The big thing that came out of that was his strong desire to quit drinking. He says it is making him sick and he really wants to take a permanent break from both drinking and smoking. He drinks rather than eats and sometimes he gets really hungry but drinks because it is easier than fixing something to eat. He asked David to buy a pizza last night and he said he ate ½ of a deep dish pizza all by himself. That he had a couple of slices, went back for more, waited a bit, went back for more. He said that is how hungry he was. Both David and David Sr. are heavy drinkers and smokers and David always has it available. Michael says if it is there he will drink it. He did warn me that when he stops drinking and begins exercising to get in shape that he will require more calories. I'm thinking food stamps, lol.

He is very interested in changing our eating habits. I told him about making juice and we talked about starting a garden, small, with a few melons and berries at first. Maybe we'll see if we can do anything like that when we get back from MN. It will only be the middle of June. We might have time. Carrots are a fast crop, might be able to do something there, assuming we can control the gophers. We may have to look into container gardening. He also said he would take the responsibility of fixing dinner for me on raid nights so we can have a good meal before we go kill bad guys. That would be a very nice change for me for sure, lol

Then the discussion turned to, as it frequently does, Michael's Harem. He feels so glad to be surrounded by “beautiful and loving” women who make him feel loved and wanted, and for whom he can provide a similar “service” (my word, not his). We talked about his desire, or rather his lack thereof to have a closer relationship with one person and how he wants to be able to spread his love to many. He feels he has made big improvements in that area and that Michael's Harem is responsible for his improved moods. That led to a discussion of what we wanted to do when he got home. I told him I felt that, as much as I have helped him so far, I'm not enough. I tried to explain that he needs more help than I am able to give. I'm referring to professional help, and he didn't seem to catch on to that. He just kept saying he knew he needed more, but felt that the women in his life would be that “more.” I am concerned that he may feel professional help isn't necessary as long as he has his harem. But I will gently push him in that direction. I know how this game goes, and people come and go in it, sometimes very suddenly. Even in our guild, which is quite stable, turnover is inevitable.

We discussed jealousy and how he knows when I am feeling “neglected.” I work very hard not to be jealous of his time with other women. I am actually pleased he has so many people he feels comfortable with, but I will admit that at times, especially when I can't talk to him because he is with Mary or someone else, I feel peeved. Small on my part, I know. But it is what it is. However, apparently he picks up on that. Remember I said he is very perceptive, and even though I don't say anything, I think he can read that pretty well. I will leave him alone totally if I see he is talking or playing with someone else. I asked him how he knew and he said it was sometimes in the way I said things, or rather didn't say anything. He hasn't figured out balance yet, so when he is with one person, whoever it is, he is totally there, but apparently, not unmindful of nuances of conversations directed to him. Sometimes he is scary. His ability to read people and respond to their needs is often uncanny. My relationship with him is totally different from his with others as we often have things of substance to discuss. I will send him messages he will see when he gets up. He said something about the difficulty of reading “essays” when he first gets up. But he also says he knows that it is probably the only way to get some information across to him in a timely manner. It should be easier when he is here. We'll see. [It's not...]

Later, we were raiding, and we were both beyond tired, and he was about ready to pass out I think. I was playing on my shaman and asked him, in a wsp, about how to handle positioning during a particular fight. He answered in vent, in a very dismissive way. Told me not to ask him raid strategy questions right then and proceeded to give me some information I already had. I became angry with him for answering me out loud rather than typing a response. I found it embarrassing, but I was also beyond the end of my tolerance for anything at that point, so I logged off and went to bed. Probably one of the many bumps in the road we will encounter, and hopefully we can work them out. However, no point in talking about something when we are both sleep deprived and he is totally drunk.

May 31

Day after tomorrow I leave for Hawaii. I will be with my sister most of tomorrow. Probably pack when I get back. I haven't had a chance to say good bye to Michael so I left him a message. I asked Mary to keep an eye on him. I don't know if he will get nervous about things before I get back, but it wouldn't surprise me. However, Mary is leaving on Monday for a week, so we are both gone at the same time now that I think about it. She will be back before I am, I think. However, there are other Michael's Harem members who can fill in for us, lol. Sometimes I think we are all interchangeable.

To be honest, I am going to try to put him out of my mind for the next 10 days or so. I will be with Sam and I want my total attention to be on him. If I have some down time I will try to check in with the guild, but they are in good hands, and so is Michael. Maybe I'm hoping they will all miss me. It is nice to be missed sometimes.

[I didn't realize it at the time but Michael's anxiety levels were steadily rising. In hindsight, deciding to go on a 10 day trip to see a man I was interested in who lived in Hawaii might not have been the best idea. It left Michael without an outlet for his anxiety and frustration. He wanted me to have a good time so he didn't want to talk to me while I was gone. I still don't know all about what was happening then, but I do know that when I got back things were “difficult.” More about that in the next blog.]