Interesting day. Took Michael for a haircut and a shave. He got his hair in the style of Jared Leto. Looks fantastic on him. He is a very handsome man and now he looks like it. Hairstylist thought he was adorable and he said he enjoyed it. Then we went to lunch, grocery shopping and I had to do another urine test to see if the bacterial infection is gone. God I hope so, I don't want to postpone this surgery.
I did get a phone call from the preop nurse at the hospital and learned something very interesting. The Amlodipine that I thought was a blood thinner is really to stop angina. I think that is why I have been getting chest pains at night, because I went off it a week ago. I certainly hope so. Michael also told me that he really wishes he didn't have to go to the doctor with me tomorrow, that he needs a day alone. I told him that was fine, I'm able to go to the doctor by myself. He was very relieved. It seems that the last few days have been taking a big toll on him, no surprise there, and he is hanging together by a thread. He wants to save himself, so to speak, for the important things, like the surgery. I was a little disappointed, but also understand where he is right now. We have only been home one day. He said that he went on the longest car trip of his life, and he hates car trips, then was forced to be social, has had no alone time in days, and he really needs a few days to be hermity. I really do understand, and I don't mind since I need some alone time too. I can drive to Orange County and listen to my music which I didn't play at all while we were driving cross country. I am finding myself a bit (total understatement) stressed at the prospect of this surgery. Michael made me promise to be totally honest with the doctor, even if it means postponing the surgery.
Michael seems really happy here, so far, and he feels it will only get better. He saw a hummingbird today, the first he has ever seen. He also saw a lizard and was entranced by it. He has spent so little time outdoors that he has missed a lot. He loves this place.
Another thing, I refuse to let Michael smoke in the house, which he is fine with, so he has to go outside. He likes company then and I find we are doing a lot of talking. Tonight we discussed our relationship and where it is different from and the same as his with his harem. I made the mistake of calling them playmates which he didn't like, but didn't get mad at. Wanted to make a point of the fact that they are friends, not just playmates. We talked about how our relationship still seems to defy definition. It seems to be separate from his harem, has a separate reason for being. I think the fact that he is here is proof, if any was needed, that ours is special. I doubt it is lost on him that no one else has offered to help him, and I also think it is time for me to just accept what is and not worry about it. He has become exceedingly affectionate, and enjoys talking with me a lot. At times he would rather talk with me than with Xelle. Perhaps the difference between a virtual relationship and a real one. However, something strange happened. At one point he looked at me and asked me what I wanted. I asked what he meant. He said that was probably his answer. I said “Are you asking me if I want a sexual relationship?” and he said yes. I told him that I knew he wasn't wanting that, but if he had been inclined I would be fine with that. However since he isn't inclined, I am fine with it the way it is. He said he isn't inclined, but he also said he isn't inclined with anyone. It was an odd little snippet that seemed to come from nowhere, though I'm sure something I said must have triggered it. At any rate, we are continuing to really get to know each other. We are very comfortable now and it is nice to see him looking and acting so content, or as content as he can be under these circumstances. He isn't hiding or being grumpy, and that is a huge improvement over his behavior in the past. He did tell me it would be easier when we were together, and I think he was right. Easier for both of us.
OMG, one of the worst days in recent memory. Michael picked the perfect day to stay home as this was, without a doubt, the longest, most frustrating day in a very long time. Complications have come up with the surgery and I spent the day trying to sort them out. Will have to go back to Orange County tomorrow to take the chest films back, but first, have to see an ophthalmologist to see what is going on with my eyes, could be the eyes,or could be my brain. Neither prospect is pleasing. I may know more tomorrow, or I may not.
But Michael is taking this very seriously. I sent him messages occasionally during the day and his reply was always that my health is paramount and nothing else matters. Then he gave up raiding tonight so he could wait for me. He was outside, waiting when I finally pulled in, 10 hours after leaving home this morning. He was drunk, but it wasn't the time to discuss that, but he was really happy to see me, wanted to hear what was going on, telling me I had made the right decision in being honest with the doctor. He have me tons of hugs and held my hand almost all night. He kept thanking me for not making him go with me, that he would have freaked out with all the shit that happened. I told him I was really glad he wasn't there, that having him with me would have added to my stress, not helped it, because I would have been so worried about him. And, I also told him that knowing he was here, that he was taking care of Hamish and waiting for me to get home meant more to me than anything. He asked me if I really meant that or was I just bull shitting him. I told him I really meant it, and I did. There are times, like today, when a day is just so horrible and yet can be made so much better just by having someone who cares waiting at home.
He brought up the sex thing again, wanted to make sure I wasn't offended. I told him he had made his position clear weeks ago, that servicing and pleasuring me was not the reason I brought him here to live, and no, I wasn't offended. Our relationship doesn't need sex to thrive. In fact, sex would probably get in the way. So, yes, I am fine with the way we are now. I love him, he loves me, but sex is not the way we demonstrate that affection. His foregoing raid to wait for me to get home after a bad day says more to me than any number of blow jobs.
More talk. 9 hours and missed raid again. May be the last time we have a talk marathon for a while, it was the last night of drinking. He told me to hide my bourbon. Wants me to buy some more rum, for “emergencies,” but hide that too, and he promised not to look for it. We'll see. Of course, a sober Michael means one that is more withdrawn and more fragile In many ways. However, the stress we are under right now will improve with time and hopefully that will help him learn to be a bit more relaxed. He was very affectionate last night, touching me, holding my hand, and apologizing that he may not be that way for a while after he quits drinking.
We discussed – again – the nature of our relationship. I don't care anymore that it doesn't have a label, and I am seeing a bit more clearly how it looks. His harem is very important to him, especially Mary, whom he now admits to loving, but even she is only a voice at the moment, while I am real and right next to him. I am the one who is changing his life, who is tangible, who can give him the hugs he needs, the one he can help directly that makes him feel like he has a purpose and a job, the one he can tell anything to (and does). I am very real and immediate and this will cause problems at some point I'm sure, but we not only love each other, we respect each other and our privacy and our needs. We have real plans for a future for the two of us; real obstacles to overcome; real triumphs to celebrate. Last night we sat and made a grocery list together. That mundane task takes on new meaning when looked at in the context of a viable relationship, not just a virtual one. I still have my own insecurities I must deal with, but time and patience on both our parts will hopefully go a long way to bolstering my own ego and helping me accept his love and that of those around me. It is also going to help me put limits on those around me as well. Michael has already started acting as my “pitbull.” He talked to Anne Marie yesterday who wanted me to bring her some caffeine, and told her to deal with whatever she needed to do at that time and not to bother me, that at this time my needs must come first. I have always had a hard time saying no to her and consequently have often felt “used” by her. With Michael's help, perhaps she and I can get our relationship on a more mutually healthy footing.
Surgery is still an unknown. I got cleared by the ophthalmologist and talked with my doctor. What I had was called a transient ischemic attack. Something in my brain stem triggered it. Could have been low blood sugar, heat, a million things. It is not indicative of a possible future stroke, but if anything like that happens again, I need to go to my doctor immediately and further tests will be required. We still haven't gotten the results on the urine culture, and that is the only hurdle left. We are proceeding as though the surgery will happen on Monday. I will call the hospital and see if it is still scheduled. I suppose it is possible they could call Monday morning and cancel it, but I hope not. We are going up to Lea's to spend the night. She lives very near the hospital and can take us there in the morning. She has to come here to pick us up because I won't be able to drive for at least a week, but she doesn't seem to mind, though turning around and driving us back right away might be imposing too much. But Michael, with his new shorter hair and trimmed beard, looks very presentable. I don't think he will scare her, lol.
[It is interesting to reread these early journal entries. To see the seeds of jealousy starting to poke up, to hear how I deny that I would really have liked a sexual relationship with him. I am adding these comments a year and a half later and the situation is very different. I refuse to edit out anything from this journal because it is what I was thinking and feeling at the time, but hindsight can be amusing and embarrassing as well.]